ickaimp | [fic] TGZ: Impersonating Ethel Merman

*stares at montior blankly*
~~Uh... insert witty story about real life here. Yeah. That'll do it.~~ Somewhere on the Los Angeles freeway system, there is some graffiti that reads Jesus Saves From Hello Dolly Revivals.
-presumably one person wrote the first part and someone came along and added the rest.

This chapter takes place sometime in the middle of the Mid-West fics.

Michael Shanks: Wow – secrets that Daniel Jackson has... He’s a cross-dresser. Secretly, what’s happening is there’s an episode where Teal’c comes over to visit him and, um, Daniel’s impersonating Ethel Merman.
Behind the Stargate: Secrets Revealed!

When Kaito finally tracked down where Saguru fled to, he found the detective involved in a discussion with a blue-eyed *ahem* lady about whether or not a pint of Guinness beer and a banana really did include all the nutritional value needed for a meal.

And he appeared to be, well, if not quite drunk then at least on his way to tipsy.

But not nearly as tipsy as the other guy, if the amount of sloshed beer on the bar was any indication.

Which would have been really funny under most circumstances, but they were trying to keep a low profile and a loud debate on 'Homer's Odyssey' versus 'Alice in Wonderland' complete with sweeping arm gestures really wasn't the way to do it. For one thing, most of the other patrons were discussing football and undergarments.

But still, he supposed that he couldn't blame Saguru for ditching him. It probably hadn't been the greatest of ideas for Kaito to announce to the women's --and he used the term 'women' very loosely here-- restroom that Saguru was crossdressing because he was preparing for the gender-switching surgery. The detective was uncomfortable with dressing in drag as it was. But it was as good of a place as any to teach him how to dress as the other gender for a change.

"Sa-chan." He commented softly, tapping the former-now-current blond's arm. If nothing else, he had to admit Saguru in a long blond wig was a bit of a distracting sight. Especially since it was now crooked. He straightened Saguru's wig. Saguru really didn't make that great of a woman. While Kaito, if he did say so himself, made a very convincing one. "I think you're having a blond moment."

"Sarah?" Saguru's blue-eyed companion peered at Saguru. "I thought your name was Sa-"

"Ah, Kaito." Saguru grinned at him. "This is Danny."

Danny, definitely short for 'Daniel' and not 'Danielle', despite the beaded vintage dress. "Hi." Kaito waved. Danny saluted him with a beer glass, causing the amber liquid to slosh as 'Hello Dolly' played in the background.

"Danny knows Mum from Uni." Saguru explained, slurring slightly. "He's offered to put us up for the night."

"I remember my OEs." Danny grinned fondly. It took Kaito a second to remember 'OE' meant 'Overseas Experiance'. "If nothing else, you can grab a shower at my place."

Mum was still a wild card in their whole hierarchy of 'safe/not safe', but Danny didn't seem to have any sort of bad or weird vibes. He just seemed like a guy who'd been stressed at work and wanted to catch a beer and forget about things for a while.

And if it happened to be at one of the two Gay Bars in Colorado Springs on Crossdressing Night, so be it. There probably was a good reason for it.

Such as the fact that not many people were going to look for someone in a place like this, which was Kaito's logic for dressing both he and Saguru like women and hiding out for a few hours here. Even if Kaito made a convincing girl while Saguru definitely did not. But that was okay. Half the people in the bar didn't make good women either, but they made up for it with enthusiasm.

While Saguru, no matter what he was dressed in, was thoroughly himself. Which was both an asset and a liability.

"All right." Kaito agreed. "But I drive back."

Danny appeared to debate this for a moment, then agreed. "Okay."

Kaito let out a small breath at the agreement. They might be taking some strange risks on this venture, but being killed by a friendly drunk while driving wasn't in the plans.

Never mind the fact that Kaito didn't have a drivers license in this or any country. It just wasn't practical in Japan. And there hadn't been a reason to get one in Britain.

Saguru and Danny's conversation drifted off towards which country had the worst drivers, 'Guru was leaning towards France, but it sounded like Danny had him beat with Egyptian driving.

With a small sigh, Kaito set himself at the bar behind Saguru, watching the dancing and the flirting going on. It was his fault Saguru was being chased after by an international organisation, the least he could do was watch the detective's back while Saguru had fun and let his guard down.

+++

A loud knocking woke Kaito up.

Actually, it was more of a pounding. A really heavy pounding.

Accompanied by shouting. "Open up, Danny! I know you're in there."

Crap. Okay... Mr. Blue Eyes from last night evidently had friends. Loud friends.

It took a moment to squirm out of Saguru's grasp --he really needed an escape hatch or something-- and stumble over to open the door, thankfully dressed in sweatpants and an old t-shirt that needed washing. "He's asleep." He growled curtly.

Then did a mental double take as he realised that the guy with the silver-ish hair was Military. The US Airforce jacket was a bit of a dead give away. Double crap. At least he was carrying two coffees, so it most likely wasn't a military kidnapping.

"You're not Danny." The Military guy commented blandly.

Kaito scratched the back of his head. "You wouldn't happen to be a money collector, would you?" He ventured hopefully.

"No." Military guy growled, then proceeded to push his way past Kaito. Kaito debated putting up a fight for a moment, then let him pass. Saguru was the hand to hand fighter, not Kaito. "DANNY!"

Military guy was definitely gearing up to wake up their gracious host. And despite their initial rather unusual greeting, Danny had been a pretty cool host.

Or had at least offered them blankets and shower before crashing into bed.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa..." He quickly shut the door and scurried between Military guy and their host's door. "I don't know who you are or what your relationship with Danny is, but he's been a nice guy to us and I don't think he really wants or needs you barging in while he's sleeping."

Brown eyes evaluated him for a moment. "Colonel Jack O'Neill." The older man growled, obviously irritated by the interruption. "US Air Force. Dr. Jackson works with me."

Oh, that was a deep can o' worms they'd stumbled into. "Right. Okay." Quick... think think think... did NOT need to be messing with the US Military... Wasn't their motto 'Shoot First, Ask Questions Last' or something like that? "Tell you what. I'll go wake up Danny, let him know that we're heading out. You... just sit on the couch over there and stare at my friend until he wakes up, okay? Okay."

Before the Colonel could protest that plan of action, Kaito stole the coffee and disappeared to Danny's bedroom. He felt better having a door between him and the authority figure, but also guilty for leaving Saguru unprotected against the Colonel's wrath. Not that glaring at Saguru would do anything, the detective was impervious when asleep.

"Hey, Danny?" He got no response from the lump in the middle of the bed. Great. Another non-morning person. He sighed as he crouched down, shaking their host's shoulder. Or what they hoped was his shoulder. "Wake up, Dr. Jackson. I've got coffee."

The lump stirred, zomibish sounds coming out from under the blankets. A hand reached out from said lump, blindly groping around. "Coffee..." Kaito tempted again. "You have to sit up first."

Danny did. Kaito winced. While he and Saguru had taken a shower last night --separately--, their host had not. Forget sounding like a zombie, Danny LOOKED like one. The tastefully done make-up was now all over his face. He handed Danny the coffee. "Here."

He got a mumbled reply in return as the coffee was promptly drained. "You awake?" Kaito queried.

Danny grunted.

"There's a guy in the front room, calls himself Colonel Jack O'Neill." Kaito commented.

Suddenly Danny was a WHOLE lot more awake. "Shit."

"He brought the coffee." Kaito offered cheerfully.

"Peace offering." Danny groaned, running a hand through his hair. "We had a fight."

"I kinda got that." Kaito agreed. "Do you want us to hang around in case you need to kick him out?"

"It's not like that." Danny paused, then corrected himself. "-He's- not like that. There's just some... stuff going on. Work-related stuff."

Yeah. Had gotten that sort of feeling. "Okay. Um... He's waiting in the front room, I wouldn't let him come back here."

"Thanks." Danny drew a knee up, looking tired. "Yeah. Sorry about that."

"No problem." Kaito paused. "Er... You wanna grab a shower? Get the make-up off? He doesn't know about that, does he?"

"No." Danny smirked, a bit of merriment glinting in his yes. "Military personnel aren't allowed at that -particular- establishment in case of blackmail. The dresses aren't so bad, once you get used to them too. The pantyhose pinch like a bitch though." Danny stretched slightly, grabbing his glasses off the table and put them on. He blinked owlishly at Kaito. "Damn. You really are a guy. I owe Saguru five bucks."

"Thanks." Note to self: Strangle Saguru for not letting him on the bet. And for telling Danny his real name. "I'll make some coffee while you're in the shower. Then we'll pack up and get out of your hair."

"No rush." Danny assured him, peeling back the blankets and slowly sliding his legs out. "You're merely helping to post-pone the inevitable."

"Always glad to be of service." Kaito gave him a half smile. "We could probably smuggle you out of here without his notice if you needed."

"Thanks, but no." Danny waved him off. Kaito stood up and beat a hasty retreat.

"Um, hey, Danny?" He paused by the door as Danny staggered over towards the master bathroom. "In case I forgot to tell you, thanks for letting us crash the night." Then he was out the door and gone before Danny could respond.

Kaito found the good Colonel doing just what Kaito had suggested, sitting on the couch, glaring daggers at Saguru's still sleeping form. He hid a wince, tugging on the back of his scalp to ease a headache that was starting to form. Coffee. Right. He'd need some to wake up Saguru.

"Oi, Guru." He walked over to the former blond and nudged him with a foot. "Wake up." Saguru muttered, rolled over and attempted to snuggle with Kaito's foot. Kaito resisted the urge to blush. Oh, yes. that was really going to impress the cranky Colonel. "Up. Wake up."

Saguru sighed contentedly, nuzzling Kaito's leg. Kaito sighed. "'Guru. Coffee."

"Guh?" Saguru sat up, blinking and looking around sleepily.

Kaito patted the top of Saguru's head. "Good boy." He wandered off towards the kitchen, ignoring the Colonel as Saguru squinted and peered at the military guy as if seeing him for the first time. Which he was.

He was probably going to look back at that scene and laugh. Later. Much later, away from any possibility of weaponry firing in his direction. Well, Military directed weaponry in any case.

Coffee was easy enough to figure out, although the layer of dust on most of the appliances was a bit puzzling. Probably a lot of out of town missions or something.

Kaito poked his head in the living room. Saguru and the Colonel still seemed to be in the middle of a staring contest. Although on Saguru's side it was probably because he couldn't see the daggers the Military guy was shooting him. "'Guru! Up!"

He got some rude grumbles back about bossy mothers and the like that he ignored in favour of finding clean cups. That found, he discovered the milk was at least two weeks past expiration date and quickly put it back and looked for sugar instead. "'GURU!"

"Bloody 'ell!" Saguru snarled back and Kaito finally heard the sound of the detective up and moving around. Saguru probably had a bit of a hangover too, so Kaito was probably being a bit on the cruel side. Ah, well. Once they got out of here, he'd make it up to Saguru with breakfast or something.

Then he found the Colonel in the kitchen, having beat a hasty retreat from the main room. In the background he heard a zipper. Saguru getting dressed. Ah. So that's why the Colonel fled, giving Saguru some privacy to change.

"So..." The Colonel took a sip of his coffee. "Where exactly did you say you know Daniel from?"

"Danny knows 'Guru's Mum." Kaito commented, sticking his hands in his pockets for lack of anything to fiddle with. "From the UK."

"I'd picked that up. The accent is kind of distinctive."

"Yeah."

Saguru stumbled in, glasses half way down his nose, dressed but not tucked in and his hair sticking every which way. "Coffee."

"Brewing." Kaito grabbed one of the mugs he'd found for coffee and quickly filled it with tap water. "Drink this until then."

Saguru took the glass, sniffed it suspiciously, glared at Kaito accusingly for handing him something non-caffinated. Kaito shrugged it off. "I'm gonna go get dressed. Be right back. Stare at each other or something in interim."

He beat a hasty retreat. From the silence that echoed from the kitchen, the staring war had resumed again. He sighed, realised he was doing that more than usual and quickly tossed on some clothing that didn't stink too horribly --they needed to get to a laundromat sometime soon-- and quickly began packing things up with an efficiency borne of weeks of practise.

Plans, plans... Breakfast as soon as they left. Then... yeah. South was at least warmer, although not by much, but things were at least getting above freezing.

"Coffee." Saguru called.

"Thanks." He quickly folded up the sheets and blankets and tossed them on the couch. It was messy, but somehow he doubted that Danny would complain all that much. The Colonel might, but Danny wouldn't.

"So your name is Saguru." The Colonel was drawling as Saguru fixed up two cups of coffee. One with lots of sugar, one without. "Hmm... Why does that sounds vaguely familiar?"

"He's a Teenage Detective from Europe." Kaito belatedly realised that the shower had stopped running and Danny was now walking into the room. Saguru passed him the pot of coffee. For a moment Kaito wondered if Danny was going to drink it right out of the pot, then the blue-eyed man took one of the mugs off the table. "Not some internationally wanted criminal, Jack."

"Right, right..." The Colonel had a sharp look in his eye. "Weren't you recently in some paper. Eligible bachelor or something?"

"You read that kind of rot?" Kaito raised an eyebrow. Danny and Saguru looked at the Colonel inquiringly.

"Eh. If there's nothing better laying around." The Colonel shrugged easily. "So. 'Zat you?"

"Can you blame for travelling over seas if it was?" Saguru grumbled back, cradling his coffee.

"Hmm..." The Colonel shrugged and Kaito realised that was all the answer they were going to get out of him.

"You ready to go?" He asked Saguru instead. The detective glared at him, holding the cup protectively.

"He's a morning person, isn't he?" Danny offered sympathetically to the detective. Saguru nodded. Kaito sighed, then remembered he was trying not to do that so much. Saguru shot him a slightly worried glance. Kaito jerked his head, motioning for them to go. Saguru sighed and drained his glass in a couple of gulps.

"Ready." Saguru announced. "Thank you for your hospitality." The Colonel and Danny exchange a similar glance to the one Kaito and Saguru had shared, only this one asking if they had said something to drive them away.

"We've got a bus to catch." Kaito explained, giving them a hasty bow. The two older guys had things to talk about and it would be best to do it without an audience.

Or as Kid would think, Get The Hell Outta Dodge. What ever that meant, he was pretty sure he'd picked that one up somewhere around Kansas. Still, what ever worked.

Saguru grabbed the bag that Kaito had finished packing, shoving his feet into boots and wrestling his coat on in an ill-cordinated dance. Kaito grabbed the bag from Saguru as he shoved his feet into his shoes, then handing the bag back once Saguru had a free hand to put on his own coat. Danny followed them out, the Colonel hovering by the kitchen door.

"Will call you later tonight, make sure things are fine." Kaito commented softly, shaking Danny hand. "Your car is out front."

He was grateful that no-one inquired as to -how- he got the car back safely as he wasn't too certain he had an answer himself. Sometimes autopilot, selective memory and strange magic stuff happening was a good combination.

"I'll be fine." Danny waved it off, but there was a tired gratitude in his eyes. Evidently this was an old dance between friends and Kaito felt a twinge of sympathy. "Take care. And have fun touring."

"We will." Saguru agreed. "Take care of yourself. I'll tell Mum when we see her that we saw you."

"Thanks." Danny waved them out as they walked out into the cold Colorado air. Kaito shivered, glaring at the sky. Stupid winter. After this, he wanted summer, some place WARM. Maybe they should go to the other hemisphere, New Zealand should be warm this time of year and he'd heard it was beautiful.

Or Fiji. Yeah. Fiji would be nice.

Saguru grumped behind him, muttering dark things about light as he stalked through the snow. Kaito pulled out a pair of sunglasses from his pack, or was it Saguru's pack? Eh, one of their packs and passed it back. Saguru grunted his thanks and put them on.

"C'mon. Breakfast." Kaito sighed, striking off in a random direction. Saguru made a rude sound. "Yeah, well it's your own fault for getting tipsy last night."

"I was not tipsy. I've had more than that to drink at Mum's parties." Saguru said with great dignity, which would have been a lot more convincing if he wasn't swaying slightly.

"Right. And it's only a mild hangover."

"It is." Saguru agreed. Kaito groaned, rubbing his head and wondering where he put his hat.

"And who's the moron who gave a stranger his real name?" He growled.

"I...." Saguru paused, then frowned. "Oh, dear."

"Yes, exactly."

Saguru was silent. Just as Kaito was starting to worry, he heard a faint noise behind him. "Sorry."

"Not your fault." Kaito rubbed his hands down his face. Saguru was an inherently honest person. Subterfuge and lies were not his standard way of thought. And cross-dressing was way out of Saguru's comfort zone, yet the detective had done it anyway, because Kaito has asked him to.

The detective got a stubborn look to his face. "Yes. It is."

Kaito debated arguing and gave it up as lost. "Eh, don't worry about it." He waved it off. It looked like the Colonel and Danny had enough on their hands without delving into some teenager's secrets. "Besides, doesn't the US Military have that 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy anyway?"

Saguru paused a moment. "I don't think that's really what they mean by that, Kaito."

Kaito grinned.

-fin-

The beaded dress and 'Hello Dolly' is in tribute to Ethel Merman, BTW. Hello Dolly was written for her.
-Evidently the thing about pint of Guinness beer and a banana is true, but just barely.
So's the thing about military officers not being allowed to enter or be seen around GLBT places, in case someone takes a photo and attempts to blackmail them with this information.

See the stuff you learn from fanfics? ^__^

The New Zealand and Fiji comments are a bit of an inside joke, since while TGZ was in Britian, I was in the States. They go to the States and I'm now in the most British city in New Zealand/the Southern Hemisphere.
-we're planning on visiting Fiji as well. XD

Gay Bars in Colorado Springs according to gaybars.com:
Bijou Bar & Grill
Hide & Seek Complex

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Well hello Dolly Its so nice to have you back where you belo

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

tdei.livejournal.com

"Not some internationally wanted criminal, Jack."

::snicker:: No, that would be the pretty Asian boy next to him. ;D

...and suddenly, my keyboard and commands aren't working too well, so I'll have to give up commenting on some spelling errors, until maybe later. ::squints at keyboard suspiciously:: :/

::hug!::

From:

that was my mistake

[fic] TGZ: Impersonating Ethel Merman

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