ickaimp: (Seto_Dreamer)
[personal profile] ickaimp
Timing. Timing is funny. Not really a New Year's resolution, but I do think it's time to start investing in myself again. That I'm worth investing in myself.

When I was younger, I was a lot more confident in myself and my skills, and realising now how 6 years of unemployment have ripped my self-worth into bits in a way that 3½ years of steady employment still hasn't quite fixed. I'm constantly waiting for the world to drop out again, and I need to stop doing that and look forward instead. To hope, instead of constantly fear.

And that my worth isn't solely based on what I can do for other people. That it's okay to do stuff for myself.

One of the things I like about Travel is that it makes me realise things about myself. This latest trip, it was the strange realisation that out of the three girls, I was probably the most image conscious. The only one who bothered with make up, or some days, even changing out of pjs.

It was a little strange, because I don't really think about myself as fashion conscious. The people I hang out with always seem to effortlessly look fabulous, and I'm aware that I don't.

And a LOT of my clothing is worn out and does need to be replaced, which I've been putting off because it's so damn hard to find clothing that 1: I like, and 2: Fits. It's a huge undertaking.

-it was a bit of a surprise earlier this month when someone comment about 'knowing I like my shirts baggy', when with over a 12" difference between bust and waist, it's more that I don't really have a choice. I prefer my shirts long enough to cover my stomach, which means the fabric hangs off my boobs, and isn't form fitting. Current fashion means that if it form fitting, it doesn't go over my belly, which isn't flattering or comfortable either.

But by the same token, how you dress influences how you and other people see you. While travelling, eyeliner means the difference between being ignored or being able to ask and get directions. It says a lot about you too, and from what I understand, right now my clothing says I'm a hobo instead of I'm confident and comfortable in my skin. And that needs to change.

Still mentally going over the problem of shirts, but skirts... I like long flowing skirts cause they're both modest and comfortable, but they are baggy and on the unflattering side. And after some online searching, beginning to think that the best bet is buying fabric and hiring someone to make walking skirts. Long, flattering lines, and good for, well, walking. Medium weight fabric would mean they don't get torn as easily too.

Prolly'll have to do that with shirts too, but patterning is a pain. *sighs*

This weekend, I invested in a better mattress, one that'll be useful for when I get a place of my own. Did some poking around online for that too, it'll cut into funds, but it's getting to the point think I need to move, just for my own headspace. The house is cluttered and needs repair, but it's not my house or stuff, and I can't be the only one constantly working on it.

Am getting a corset, and was talking about doing a group run to Phoenix to be fitted for more bras, since my body has shifted since the last fitting. Currently also working on getting my teeth fixed, catching stuff while they're cavities instead of flailing when it's suddenly a root canal.

Looking at boots too. I love my combat boots, but they're... combat boots. Not really stylish. Poking around at sites looking at something that's a little more classical looking, but still comfortable and can take a beating. It's one of those things where finding stuff that fits gets tricky again, since a men's 9.5 is easier to find than a women's 11.5.

Travel's still on the table, mostly for my own sanity. Possibly a trip to Japan, but I won't cry if it falls through. Big thing is NYC before August for the Poison Exhibit.

Next big thing though, is I really do need to get glasses. Am noticing that my middle range is really starting to deteriorate, to the point that TV watching is sometimes tricky. That, and I miss how I look in glasses.

The hardest part I think, is that while I know that spending the money to get good quality pays off in the long run, it's convincing myself that it's okay to invest the money in me, rather than a hobby, the house, or something else. That it's worth saving up for and spending.

*shrugs* Anyway. That's where I'm at. Getting confident in myself again.

How are you doing?
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Icka! M. Chif

October 2014

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